Classic Game Review: Metroid Prime (GCN/Wii)

        There are many moments in my gaming life that I will never forget. The final battle in "Paper Mario". My sweet, sweet victory over Red in "Pokemon Gold". But among all of those, there may be none as memorable as the opening sequence in "Metroid Prime".
        When I was around nine years old, I didn't know what to expect. A lot of my friends were into "Halo", and my parents bought me a game that, at least on the cover, looked a lot like it. I wasn't at all expecting such a creepy, dark, and yet completely engrossing experience.
        Dead Space Pirates were everywhere. Everything was quiet. The entire frigate was in ruin. Parasites were running everywhere. Turrets, left behind by their masters, operated unaware that their own home was in any danger. And at the end of it all, a huge, bulking, frightening monster awaited me, and did battle.
        As far as my gaming standards were concerned back then, the game could've well ended by then, but nope: I still had a whole planet left to explore. The world was my playground. At first, of course, I couldn't do anything but jump and shoot, but after collecting various power-ups, I felt like some sort of superhero. And yet, I was still vulnerable. Still alone in this dark, evil world. And of course, still afraid of many creatures.
        The first Metroid kept me awake for days. I had never played a Metroid game before, but when that first jellyfish monster latched on to me, I felt this intense feeling of "OhgodIneedtogetthisgodforsakenthingoffme".
        The many puzzles were amazing too. They were never impossibly hard, but some of them were quite challenging. I remember being stumped in the temple in Phendrana, trying to think of how to get two Chozo Shamans to meet.
         I could go on and on and on. This game is an amazing cavalcade of not only childhood memories, but also intense gameplay and a very intriguing story, if you're willing to look for it, that is. If you can find this gem, pick it up right now. You owe it to yourself.

Rating: *****

Chris's Top 10 Nintendo Villains

        Ah, Nintendo. You either love them, or hate them (or love them). They're like the Walt Disney Company of the video game industry, and I just so happen to be a fanboy. And over the years, they've produced some great antagonists. Some could argue that their heroes are great too, but for the most part, they're just emotionless avatars meant to represent the player. The villains, however, are excellently crafted characters with lots of depth. A lot argue that these villains may just be the best in the industry. And I'm here to honor them today. So, let's get started...

#10. RIDLEY (METROID SERIES)

         Right off the bat, it seems incredibly hard to not love a giant space dragon with rockets and laser breath. But this is not a villain you want to love, however. No, this is the villain you love to hate. See, when Samus was just a wee child on the earth colony K-2L, the Space Pirates, and their leader Ridley, arrived and proceeded to destroy and plunder everything in sight. When Samus first laid eyes on Ridley, she at first saw her in a friendly light. But, predictably, Ridley attempted to attack her, when her mother stepped in to sacrifice herself to save little Samus. The Pirates left soon after that, and Samus was left alone on a devastated planet, her family murdered. And thus begins the dynamic Samus-Ridley relationship.

         Now, Ridley would be higher on this list, if it weren't for some leadership issues. Although many consider Ridley to be the master Pirate, he's taken a backseat to some other foes, such as Mother Brain, Dark Samus, and even MB. I can understand Dark Samus, but seriously? Mother Brain? MB? Really? He could rip them in shreds if he wanted to. Ah well. He's still a fantastic villain.

#9. FAWFUL (MARIO AND LUIGI SERIES)

         Oh man, Fawful, Fawful, Fawful. This was such a fun villain. He is quite possibly the most quotable character in video game history, and also, he's such a clever guy, too. He builds complex machinery, he hypnotizes an entire army to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, he feeds Bowser a toxic mushroom, and he even quotes “Pro Wrestling” for the NES. What a dispicable notion!

         With the right power, he's a formidable opponent too. Using lasers, balls of energy, dark magic, and even a vacuum helmet. And did I mention that his monologues are f*cking crazy, too? He uses long-winded run-on sentences, and uses awesome names and metaphors for his evil plans (if you don't know what “Mustard of Your Doom” means, you're not a real Mario fan).

         Okay, so I guess aside from the humor, he's just a ho-hum average, power-hungry villain. But this is a villain that truly gives me the chortles.

         Oh, and best. Evil. Laugh. Ever.

#8. SEPHIRAN (FIRE EMBLEM: RADIANT DAWN)

         Talk about pulling strings. It's impossible to even explain this character without major spoilers, so if you want to play Radiant Dawn but haven't, I'll advise you to just skip to #7 and read on.

         Anyway, Sephiran, the Duke of Persis and the prime minister of the kingdom of Begnion, was behind every single battle and event in Radiant Dawn. He orchestrated a conflict between the races of beorc and laguz, even while another war was going on already (Daein's revolution against Begnion), creating a domino effect that finally ended with a final battle with the goddess herself, Ashera. That was Sephiroth...er, I mean, Sephiran (*adds quarter to Sephiroth-Sephiran name confusion jar*)... That was his big plan. He planned to awaken Ashera through war because he didn't wish to see constant conflict between nations. So he was wanted people dead, but he was sophisticated about it, so I guess he wasn't very villainous about it. No, if you wanted a slimy, string-pulling, two-timing, evil little f*cker, Sephiran was not your villain. No, if you wanted that, you'd instead go with...

#7: DIMENTIO (SUPER PAPER MARIO)

         Okay, so if you were looking not to be spoiled, than I guess #7 may have been a poor spot to redirect you to, because there are massive spoilers here as well. Looking ahead, I can guarantee #6 won't have any groundbreaking spoilers. I promise.

         Alright, back on track. Dimentio is (or was) a servant of Count Bleck. The best villain I could compare him to is Iago, from Shakespeare's “Othello”. Seriously, he's THAT manipulative. He uses Count Bleck's emotions regarding Tippi to twist his mind and ensure that he will fight Mario and company. After Nastasia hypnotizes Luigi and brings him to Count Bleck's army, he makes him fight his own brother to analyze Mario's fighting prowess, and leaves a trace of mind-controlling tech with Luigi before disposing of him afterward. He “kills” Mario and his friends in order bring Luigi back to Mario, leads them to Blecks castle, has them defeat Bleck, and then he takes control of Luigi again to ensure the end of all worlds! Man, talk about a complicated story.

         For those of you who somehow don't know who Iago is (I'm not referring to that one bird from “Aladdin”), I'll give you the gist of Dimentio: He's a slimy scumbag who uses others to pull off his own agenda. Need I say more?

#6: SA-X (METROID FUSION) / SYLUX (METROID PRIME: HUNTERS) (TIE)

         I decided to plop these two adversaries together because they're so similar to each other. Of course, they do have some differences, with which I'll go in-depth.

         The SA-X is an X parasite (a parasite that kills, then infects it's host) that infected Samus' Power Suit. The suit had to be surgically removed in order for Samus to survive. After transporting the infected suit to the Biologic Space Labs, it gained sentience and unleashed the other X-infected specimens across the station, allowing them to spread and kill the crew members. After this, Samus is sent to investigate.

         What makes this suit such a great villain is not her personality, nor her scheming or her mastermindery (if that's even a word). It's the way it stalks Samus. It follows her and chases her, and all she can do is run. It makes it such a creepy and scary foe, particularly for Nintendo standards.

         Sylux's story is more mysterious: the only thing anybody knows about him (or her) is that he harbors an extreme hatred for Samus and the Federation. Otherwise, his tactics are about the same, making both Sylux and the SA-X very creepy and excellent villains.

#5: BOWSER (MARIO SERIES)

         Where do I even start? This is the most recognizable villain in the vast rogue's gallery of the game industry. He is, for a lot of us anyway, the most dangerous villain our childhood selves even knew. There's no denying that he's gaming's most iconic baddie.

         Now, there are many iterations of Bowser that are from different games. The main Mario games (All-Stars, World, 64, Galaxy, etc.) all depict him as the generic monster out to get the princess. The Mario RPGs (Paper Mario, Mario and Luigi, etc.) all depict him as a bumbling supervillain who is primarily there for the comic relief, sort of like Dark Helmet from “Spaceballs”. In any iteration however, if he gets his hands on a major source of power, than nothing short of a fat, Italian plumber can stop him.

        In my opinion, my favorite iteration is the RPG iterations. The way he interacts with his minions, his partnership with the as-hilarious Kammy Koopa, his reactions to other people kidnapping Peach (whom only he has the right to kidnap); they're all priceless. He makes fun of all our initial conceptions of Bowser, that of a raging beast. What a fun villain.

#4: N (POKEMON BLACK/WHITE)

         Yes, no villainous gang will ever be as timeless as the awesome Team Rocket. I get it. But Team Plasma, unlike other gangs, didn't mean to compete with each other for world domination. In fact, the gang, and their leader N, want to make the world a better place, by freeing Pokemon from their abusive masters. This alone makes N a far more unique villain than most of Nintendo's. Also, he's far more three-dimensional. Giovanni, Maxie, Archie, and Cyrus were all great villains, but N is a far more interesting character. The team acts as a sort of kingdom, and N is the current wielder of the crown. Although he wants to set Pokemon free, he still sees them as friends, not tools.

         Also, Plasma was a much more epic team than any other. I wouldn't dare spoil what happens after you beat the Elite Four, but let's just say things get way, way more awesome.

         Some would say that they wouldn't even go as far as to call N a real villain. I can see where they're going, but I wouldn't go as far as to call him a protaganist either. He's more of a neutral character, occasionally even assisting the player at times. But by the end, as your opinions and his conflict, he grows to be more of a villain than as he first appears.

#3: GANONDORF (LEGEND OF ZELDA SERIES)

         On the other end of the spectrum, though, we have Ganondorf, possibly one of the most ruthless villains in Nintendo's rogue's gallery. He fits an archetype: the power-hungry overlord. He kills people, he uses dark, evil magic, he lives in a big, fierce castle, and he even plays the goddamn organ.

         It's truly astounding what this guy does for power. After getting his mitts on the Triforce of Power, he uses it to turn Hyrule to chaos. The former, happy town market is flooded with zombies. Monsters roam the once-peaceful Kokiri Forest. Lake Hylia is frozen solid. Gorons and Hylians alike are either captured or killed. And he even elected a grumpy, animal-hating moron to run the local farm. The bastard!

         And I'm just talking about one game. He does some pretty nasty things in the future, too. Like convincing the goddesses to flood Hyrule. Or driving a normal Twili creature to insanity and making him turn all of Hyrule into Twilight. Or turning into a giant pig monster and kidnapping Zelda. Again. Man, talk about a ruthless d-bag.

#2: PHAZON (METROID PRIME TRILOGY)

         But every single Ganondorf scenario in the whole convoluted Zelda timeline couldn't match the impact that Phazon had on the universe. It's brought whole planets to either death or near death. It's poisoned the minds and bodies of countless entities. And it's not even alive. Well, it actually is. Kind of. Erm, let me explain.

         For those not familiar with the Metroid Prime games (go play them right now), Phazon is a radioactive toxin capable of just about anything evil. It's sort of like the Ring of Power from the LoTR trilogy, but far more dangerous. Like the ring, it's drawn tons of poor souls under it's will. However, the Ring of Power can't split a planet into two dimensions, or kill countless enemies by the mere touch.

         It's power is incredible. Even Samus gets to dip her toes in it's power, and in the third game especially, players are sometimes even encouraged to use it. It can blast it's way through just about anything, even other Phazon entities. But abuse it, and congratulations: you're either dead, or loyally serving the Phazon empire.

         It spreads very easily from it's home planet, aptly named Phaaze. Meteors are sent to other planets, spreading the poison. It creeps in and infects the land, driving it's inhabitants insane with it's immense power and promise. And soon, it's all too late: the planet dies and distributes more Phazon throughout the universe. It's truly one of Nintendo's more disturbing adversaries.

         So who in the world can top this impressive list of baddies? Well, the answer might surprise you. Let's take a look.

#1. THE SHADOW QUEEN (PAPER MARIO: THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR)

         I'm surprised Nintendo hasn't brought this villain up in more of it's lore, as it's truly the best they've created. Obviously, spoilers abound, so beware.

         The history of the Shadow Queen is epic. About one thousand years ago, a dark, evil demon awoke above a peaceful kingdom and dragged it into the oceanic abyss, killing millions in the process. It could only be sealed away by eight Crystal Stars into a dungeon known as the Palace of Shadow. Four heroes were able to sacrifice themselves to accomplish this task, sealing the demon inside the Thousand-Year Door. One thousand years pass, and Princess Peach stumbles across a treasure map leading to the eight Crystal Stars, telling of a great fortune behind a thousand-year-old door. Thus setting the stage for the game.

         The Queen's minions don't follow her due to loyalty. They follow because they fear her. They don't want to meet the same fate that nearly brought about the end of the world a thousand years ago. And yet, they know that it's inevitable.

         She is a black, terrifying stain on an otherwise fairly humorous, fun game. She was the bane of my eleven-year-old existence, and the most horrifying thing I'd seen in a video game yet. Worse than Phazon. Worse than Ganondorf. Far worse than Ridley and Bowser combined. And somehow more horrifying than that one Superman game for the N64 that my dad rented.

         Even worse, she made you fight the one thing you were trying to save. She possessed Princess Peach and forced you to fight her. The very worst thing you could ever do to any self-proclaimed Mario nut is to make you fight against your very goal. And she pulled it off effortlessly.

         Also, she's cold and ruthless. Ganondorf can turn a kingdom to chaos, sure, but only the Queen could destroy it and engulf it in shadow.

         I know she's not the most popular villain in Nintendo's long history of foes, but she is truly the most terrifying villain in any Nintendo game. And once you beat her, you feel an awesome sense of satisfaction: you have not only just saved the princess, you've saved the entire world. A feeling that not many video games are able to emulate.

My opinion on the current 3-D craze

        I don't think I've seen an entertainment issue as divisive as the issue of 3-D movies. Some think it's the future, some think it's just a fad. My opinion? ...Eh. Let me explain.

        Thus far, I've only seen two movies that are truly made better in 3-D: "Avatar", and "Tron: Legacy". The respective worlds of Pandora and the Grid truly leap off the screen and draw you into what feels like a living breathing world. Arrows fly, Light Cycles zoom, and overall, these two movies are truly made better with 3-D, and I highly recommend you see these movies in this format.

        But hold on, slick: I am by no means telling you to go spend your tax return on some huge 3-D display. 3-D, in my opinion, only belongs at the cinema. There's nothing quite like sitting in a comfy theater seat (okay, I guess comfort varies between theaters) and having your breath taken away. At home, you kind of get that feeling, but there are more distractions, such as when you need to hit the can, or hop on Blogger to do an amateur film review. In the theater, it's as simple as walking out, but at home, you have to fiddle with some switch to turn the 3-D off so that the glasses don't drain the batteries.

        And speaking of glasses, if you want to share the 3-D experience with other people, like family members or random friends that come over to check out that new 3-D display, you'd best pony up some serious cash for extra pairs of glasses. And no, it's not like in the theaters where they just give you them, these glasses cost upwards of $100. Each.

        So now you want to see Tron in fabulous 3-D, but you don't want to pay the dough for a new TV (plus glasses). But it's not like these theaters want to show these films in IMAX 3-D forever. Thankfully, that's where a few select theaters across the nation can help you out.

        I don't know about you guys, but up here in Anchorage, we have this slick theater called the Bear Tooth. They specialize in showing classic movies and indie films, and they'll also take requests once in a while. I remember seeing "Gone with the Wind" on the huge Tooth screen (and trust me, I'll never forget it). They'll even show mainstream films about a month after their initial release. So if you missed "Thor" when it came out, you (or at least I) can check it out more than a month after it's release, even in 3-D in some cases. It's a handy theater to have around, and I'm sure more like it are scattered across the U.S.

        But, as Wedge says, I have to stay on target. The moral of the story is, I think 3-D just looks best on the big screen. Don't bother with newer displays; they work O.K., but their not worth the hassle. Also, if you can find a 3-D-ready projector (I know they exist) and a 7.1 surround sound system, you've just struck 3-D gold. I know they're expensive, but if you can afford it, it's worth it.

        And I know some of you will mention the Nintendo 3DS, which let's you see 3-D without the glasses. And that's cool, too. But I don't think it's suitable for movies. Don't get me wrong, Paper Mario 3-D's gonna rock our socks off, but a 4" screen is just too small for 3-D movies.

Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

         I've always been of the belief that the Pirates series is made better with it's humor rather than it's drama; after all, it's why all of us look back at the third movie with such disdain. So when I went into the theater to check out "On Stranger Tides", I was worried that this new film would be another melodramatic flop. Much to my pleasant surprise, it wasn't. At least, most of it isn't.

          Once the movie started, I was thrown into more of Sparrow's (Johnny Depp) signature silliness, and trust me on this, because I'll dare not spoil the beginning. And for the most part, the movie sticks with that silliness. There is never a dull moment whenever Captain Jack is on screen. Other characters in the movie also show some humor, such as Sparrow's old GF Angelica (Penelope Cruz), who is the daughter of the infamous voodoo pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Also along for the ride is the now-privateer Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), who is once again competing with Jack, Blackbeard, and also the Spanish crown, in finding the fabled Fountain of Youth.

        If this sounds complicated, it's probably because it is. But you won't mind, because you'll probably have loads of fun. There are a lot of sequences involving clever, Indiana Jones-esque treasure hunting, and plenty of cool battles too.

        If I had to complain about one thing (and I do have to), it's one minor plot branch involving a mermaid and one of Blackbeard's crewmen. Their romance is interesting, but it detracts from the adventure a bit. I think the film would've been better off if the crewman and mermaid just didn't give each other the "romantic stare" that's become such an overused cliche over the years. After a while, it just becomes a bit boring.

        That still shouldn't keep you away from this movie, however. It's a fantastic, fun ride that's well worth the price. Check it out.

Rating: ****


NOTE: I saw this movie in 2-D and not in 3-D. It was easy to tell that some scenes were made for 3-D, but it's still a fun ride in 2-D anyway.